If you’ve ever read “Moscow Mule: 11€” on a sticky plastic card and you’ve already been extorted by a one-eyed pigeon, you probably live in Paris. Everyone knows that Paris is the most beautiful city in France; what am I saying, the most beautiful city in the world and yet, nobody seems really happy to live there. We explain why by listing 20 things you never see in Paris, as if it were forbidden.
1. Strangers saying hello to you without a second thought
It just doesn’t exist. We do not say that it exists in other cities of the world but if there is a place where it will never happen, it is in Paris. When someone says hello to you in the street, there are only three possible scenarios: a) They will try to steal your wallet or scratch your cigarette b) They want to know if you have two minutes to talk about the children leper c) He is a tourist and wants to know where the Eiffel Tower is.
2. People talking at the supermarket checkout
Even if there are few of them, there are advantages to living among Parisians: the little old people who do their shopping don’t tell the cashiers about their life. No matter how patient you are, we’re all pissed off by people who hog the cash to tell people they don’t even know shit nobody cares about. Fortunately, that never happens in Paris.
3. Parisians who take off their AirPods when talking to someone
It’s unbearable, really. There are people who chat with you about removing just one of their AirPods and don’t see what the problem is. They even have the nerve to say “Nah but I hear you over the music worries you” BUT why do you need to listen to music when we discuss? I had to talk about it, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
4. Tips at the bar or restaurant
If one day you find a service in Paris that deserves to be tipped, tell me and I will withdraw the money.
5. RATP users delighted to hear accordion in the early morning
What joy, what happiness to have a little free concert in a crowded train that stinks of sweat from 8:30 am! Do you prefer Joe Dassin or Hello beautiful ?
6. Cars that stop at an orange light
Strangely, this particular interpretation of the highway code only seems to exist in Paris: as long as the traffic light isn’t red, it’s green (and the orange traffic light may well show itself).
7. Parisians with an Eiffel Tower key ring
There must be at least ONE Parisian who has a small Eiffel Tower keychain on his keychain and I want him to report himself. Show yourself !
8. Vacuum cleaner bags or batteries in supermarkets
When you see the size of the Parisian supermarkets, you suspect that it was necessary to make concessions on the products. So obviously, the gardening department is always sacrificed, but it’s not the only one. Unlike supermarkets in small towns where there are huge DIY and maintenance departments, it is always difficult in Paris to find the right batteries, the right light bulb or the right vacuum cleaner bag. Why this desire to make life impossible for us?
9. A taxi driver with a working card machine
It is an endangered species and you have to be very patient to have the chance to find one. Then, you have to manage to tame him by promising him a very long and expensive journey as he likes.
10. A taxi or VTC driver who doesn’t spit on Hidalgo
I think it’s an urban legend. I’ve never taken a single Uber ride where the driver didn’t vomit his hatred for Hidalgo, always accompanied by a little “I’m not right? “.
11. A tobacconist who takes the card for less than 10 balls
I know only one in the whole city and you can beg in comments, I won’t let go of the address. It’s far too rare to share…
12. Doctors contracted sector 1 with a vital card device
It happens to all of us to be lazy but it gets boring when this laziness makes us lose money. This is the case with the doctor in Paris because we were too lazy to look for an approved doctor (“it will be 80€ and I only take checks”). It’s even worse when his vital card device doesn’t work and he pulls out the orange form that we all hate: the form to send back to the CPAM that you’ll never send back to the CPAM.
13. Real houses with a garden
We never see them and yet they are there, hidden behind large gates in the heart of Paris. The only difference with the pavilion where you grew up is that just one of these huts is worth more than the annual salary of all the inhabitants of Rungis put together.
14. An evening in a party hall
It’s a real tradition for people who grew up in the countryside or in very small towns, but it’s inconceivable in big cities and even more so in Paris where the word “village hall” simply doesn’t exist. Go to a bar or drink from the 8·6 on the banks of the Seine like everyone else.
15. Restaurants that don’t offer poke bowls
For the past few years, 90% of Parisian restaurants that offer take-out food have offered poke bowls. Leave me alone, I don’t want those €9.50 cucumber slices!
16. People in a good mood in Montparnasse
Montparnasse is a place where the joy of living is forbidden and it is quite explainable. Already, the station is populated with people returning from Brittany and depressed to be back in Paris or leaving for Brittany and too eager to seek refuge in the rain to be kind to the people around them. The presence of people who pull the mouth is also explained by the existence of the endless corridors of the metro (already that spending time in line 4 is rarely a cakewalk, you also have to hit the treadmills). And finally, people are sometimes just in a bad mood because they live in the 15th, the most boring place in Paris… we feel sorry for them.
17. Tourists on the tram
Most tourists do not even know that there is a tramway in Paris and Parisians are careful not to reveal this secret. The last time a tourist was seen on the Paris tramway was in 1892; he had actually come to Paris on purpose just to buy crack.
18. Happy people when it snows
In photos of Paris in winter found on Pinterest and Shutterstock, the snow is white and thick in parks and squares. In real life, it turns into a puddle of brown slush less than a minute after falling from the sky.
19. Benches that make you want to sit down
In Paris, it is only in the parks that you can sit on the benches (and even then). In the streets, they are often covered in pigeon poo and rubbish in addition to being 4 centimeters from the wheels of cars.
20. An apartment with a laundry room
How about a swimming pool in the living room while we’re at it?