Vroom vroom (this is the qualitative imitation of a car), welcome to the world of road vehicles. A universe that, like all universes, mixes people with indisputable qualities and assholes whose brains are probably 90% made up of lukewarm fleet. It is of course these second characters that we are going to talk about here. Know that it is easy to spot them: just observe the type of vehicle they drive to identify their personality assholes.
Ps: we’re all someone’s asshole, never forget that.
1. The Teslas
The Tesla driver is a fan of technology and, worse, of Elon Musk. He wants to give himself a green conscience with an electric car whose battery pollutes a lot. And he spends his time saying that Random Access Memories is the best album in the history of music. That’s a lot of faults for one person.
2. Large SUVs
The SUV driver allows himself to ride on bike lanes and yell at cyclists because he has a “baby on board” sticker on the back of his car. However, there is no baby in the vehicle. His wife left him and got custody of the children. Well done.
3. Smarts
The driver of Smart struggles to make a slot while his car is literally 1m long. If your car has been hit 3 times in a year, it’s probably because of a Smart driver.
4. The Vespas
Vespa driver thinks he knows all about cooking pasta as he eats canned pesto. And yet he still manages to catch all your crushes before you do. In front of you. On your bed.
5. BMWs
The BMW driver sticks you in the ass for 300 meters so that you fall back and do unnecessary speed peaks at 180 km/h. There’s a one in two chance that he’s a drug dealer and ends up behind bars approximately 6 weeks after you meet him on the road.
6. Limousines
The limousine driver is much too happy to have a mini-fridge filled with Champagne in his car but cries when it comes to finding a place to park. We have no sympathy for him.
7. Les Porsche / Ferrari
The driver of this type of sports/luxury car is proud to have a vehicle capable of going from 0 to 300 in one second but he is, like everyone else, stuck at 80 on the national road. He just wanted to show that he was rich, but we had already seen it in his hair.
8. The electric scooter
The e-scooter rider rides on sidewalks because he finds the bikes don’t go fast enough on the bike lanes. We regularly find him on the ground, ready to be picked up by the firefighters because he had a blast trying to slalom between two grannies.
9. The bike
The cyclist spends his time wanting to give lessons in the rules of the road to motorists when he runs through absolutely all the red lights that are on his route. It couldn’t be more unbearable. It’s not for nothing that we have already made you a top of the assholes on a bike.
10. Les 2CV/4L
The driver of these old cars is a CSP+ bobo who dresses in work overalls or a Leclerc t-shirt and has aperitifs in the “France before” atmosphere because it’s coolos. He loves petanque and “looooooves cheese”.
Note that this description also works for drivers of mopeds and other solex vehicles.
11. 50cc scooters
50cc drivers make a backhoe noise when they can only drive at 45km/h max. They need to grow up a bit.
12. Volkswagen combi lesson
Volkswagen combi drivers still think they can change the world but drive something that consumes more fuel per kilometer than a ferry. Not super logical.
13. The Fixies
No, you’re not a courier in NYC, you’re just an asshole with the same tattoos as your friends, with almost a 100% chance of having a bike tattoo on your calf. And quit fucking drinking IPA.
14. The Harley-Davidson
No, you’re not cool Thierry, it’s just your last bastion of repressed masculinity expressing itself.
15. The skateboard
Dirty young.
