If Gérald Darmanin often bursts into the press following a well-felt stupid sentence, his last outing did not go unnoticed when he spoke of eco-terrorism. Strong words but that few people understand well, and to avoid discovering one fine morning that you yourself are a damn eco-terrorist, we will give you the signs that you are being radicalized, just to react quickly well. Believe my experience as a certified defender of the right to pollution, we thought of lots of ideas to easily pollute with my association during our last cruise.
1. You think we should put at least as much energy into protecting the planet as works of art that are in museums
It’s true that it may seem logical to say that we must protect the planet at least as much as we protect these works, because the day the planet dies, well, the works will disappear with it. It’s logical, but it’s also a sign of radicalization, so watch out because it all starts with this kind of bullshit thinking.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Bury piles in the forest. A good ten kilos every Sunday.
2. You eat seasonal (and local) vegetables
If you only eat seasonal fruits and vegetables and you manage to buy them from local producers, then you are probably already a potential eco-terrorist.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Have these vegetables immediately shipped to the other side of the globe, taking care to choose the carriers that pollute the most and go and buy others who have traveled by freighter and by plane, it must become a reflex.
3. You bought a bike
Do you think cycling should help keep the planet green and reduce pollution? You are right. But have you thought about the big billionaire corporations that only live on fuel consumption? DID YOU THINK ABOUT IT DIRTY MONSTER??
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Only use it to get to the landing strip of your private jet.
4. You have compost
Do you honestly think that organic detritus can help soils regenerate and grow new foods? You are right, since it has been scientifically proven. But it’s an eco-babos thing that eats pumpkin seeds, so throw your garbage in one and the same bin, taking care to mix the glass, the packaging and your used barbecue grills (change the grill after each use elsewhere).
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Start filling the composts of your loved ones with glass and aluminum, then burn it all to me at 95 lead-free.
5. You turn off the tap water to brush your teeth
If the planet lacked water it would be known: it is covered with 90% of fleet so you have to stop talking bullshit to the eco-lefties. You teach people how to save water on a day-to-day basis, but in the meantime no one has seen you brushing your teeth with water from a puddle found in the street.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Not only let the water run while you brush your teeth, but let it also run between your evening and morning brushing, you will save a lot of time not having to turn the water on and off every time.
6. You think that an SUV in town is not necessarily useful
It pollutes to death and no one needs such a heavy and powerful car to drop off their kids at school which is 300 meters away or to do their shopping, ok. But have you really looked at these cars? Have you seen how classy it is to ride in there? You’re just jealous, admit it.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Take a credit right away at a disgusting rate and buy yourself a good big SUV to stop walking like in the Middle Ages.
7. You don’t rule out the idea of using solid shampoo one day
Seriously ? A dry shampoo? Are you going to be fooled by a babos who will try to sell you something with flax flour and eco-responsible cocoa only to end up smelling hair and paying ten times the price of another shampoo? It’s your problem, but it’s eco-terrorist phew.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: At least throw the plastic packaging of your old shampoos into the river nearest to you, at least have this presence of mind.
8. You have launched a petition to set up a collective vegetable garden in the courtyard of your building
Nothing says “I’m an eco-terrorist” more than “come, let’s make a collective vegetable garden“, it’s a proven and proven fact. The problem is that with this kind of bullshit you risk converting other people who clearly didn’t ask for anything, people who pollute not out of pleasure, but out of duty. Dirty monster that you are.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Tar the vegetable garden immediately to condemn it, but DON’T forget to bury nuclear waste there before doing so.
9. You swapped your capsule machine for a classic coffee maker
Okay, aluminum capsules are one of the inventions that their inventors have regretted, but in reality it’s still more practical and much better than the old disgusting filter coffee, right?
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Drink all your coffee in single-use plastic cups and take the opportunity to replace all your dishes besides, it’s much less boring to wash after a meal.
10. You use those weird green words
Do you ever use environmental bullshit terms like “sustainable development”, “green growth” and “carbon neutrality”? It’s probably already too late for you. The only time it’s allowed to use these terms without being an eco-terrorist is when you’re the boss of a company that pollutes and you’re trying to lie to green-wash, that’s all.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Immediately replace these ugly words with the expressions “shitty planet”, “bullshit ice floe” and “global warming denial”.
11. You haven’t turned on the heat yet in November.
Well ok it’s 25° in November but still for the principle you don’t really have in mind to heat your apartment because finally with warm clothes and a plaid you find yourself there? But you will bring it back less when you take the sudden urge to spend a day in swimming trunks in your refrigerated living room and will not have to come crying.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Turn all the knobs to the maximum and leave the windows open, because it renews the air in your home and that’s a really important thing.
12. You call yourself a flexitarian or you have reduced your meat consumption
I laugh at the anti-hunting vegetarians who say that animal cruelty and the pollution that meat production generates should stop. Well I have no arguments at all to contradict them but they make me laugh.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: But eat meat, stuffed with meat, in a sandwich where you’ve replaced bread with ham and suck on jerky sticks before you go to sleep. Meat in large quantities and of industrial origin, that’s only true.
13. Have you ever asked to turn off the radiators in the evening when you open the windows?
Are you the kind of boring people who don’t hesitate to ask that the heating be turned off because smokers open the windows in the evening? You are one of the worst species of eco-terrorist, those who make this world hell, it’s time to take control of yourself.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Always go out with your auxiliary heater powered by batteries, or better, a generator that runs on diesel. There you begin to understand how to do it.
14. You turn off your power strips when you go on vacation
When my uncle was robbed last year he learned that one of the burglars had hit himself in the dark because he had turned off the electricity before going on vacation. He was never the same man again. If you don’t leave electricity for you at least do it for them.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Leave everything on when you leave: the TV, the radio, the console, the dryer, the oven… Everything. Ok, maybe not the oven.
15. You always leave your house with a brick of soup, in case you run into a cop or a piece of art.
Eco-terrorist alert! If you leave your home always with a brick of soup, you are a danger to society and illegal, and that Gerald Darmanin said it had to stop. And when a guy with so many pans in his ass is still a minister after two years, that means he knows a lot about legal matters, so don’t mess with him.
How to react quickly and counter the curse: Throw works of art directly onto brick-and-mortar supermarket shelves. It’s the only way to make them understand.