“No screen for 3 years! We are hammered enough that it has impressed in our brains. But the big question for parents who have as much patience as Bruce Willis has hair is: okay, but HOW DO WE DO IT THEN? Once we have exhausted our stock of nursery rhymes and fun manual activities, there are still tips if we want to take a breather!
1. Le lave-linge qui tournoie
Hypnotic effect guaranteed! But without the inconvenience of TV or smartphone. All this water swirling behind the porthole is like taking your child to the big aquarium in Paris but without racking up 20 balls per person. Well there’s no fish inside but if you slip Doudou and some other personal effects of your kid, it’s worth all the seahorses and sharks in the world.
2. The oven that makes light
With a little magic trick in it like puffing muffins. And if you haven’t planned to apply for Le Meilleur Pâtissier, saison 347, there are very good ready-made cookie preparations in the fresh section that will also be very fun to watch rise. Well obviously we check that the child is safe in his high chair if the oven is high up and that the said oven has a child safety device… Let’s leave pedo-cannibalism to weird tales for children like Hansel and Gretel.
3. The mirror
We spare you the explanations on the stage of the mirror which Jacques Lacan and Françoise Dolto spoke very well (basically the child captures that well yes my boy, it’s you in the reflection and you have a body and you are quite distinct from others, it’s phew, right?). But a child in front of a mirror is like an Angel from reality TV who discovered a new Instagram filter. Except that in general, the Angels don’t go so far as to lick the screen, unlike our cherubim who stop at nothing…
4. The Pile of Tearing Newspapers and Magazines
Honestly, we have no idea how long it can occupy a toddler. We would like to take the time to worry about it – is my child a future psychopath hungry for destruction? But we’re so happy to have been able to go to the bathroom without anyone coming to open the door and ask if we’re going to poop… If you’ve just had household appliances delivered to you and you have large blocks of polystyrene on hand : jackpot! The only drawback (and size) is that you will take as much time to clean everything as the time during which it will have occupied it…
5. Transfer rice to plastic bowls
It also works with pasta or lentils. It sounds silly like that, but children love to transfer stuff from one container to another. In any case, there is a way to exploit this appetite to find your account, but we have not yet found how.
6. Whole rolls of toilet paper
Well, to be used with moderation because it would still be a question of not wasting the PQ unless you are really at the end of your tether (do you have it?). But the roll of toilet paper is to the little baby what the ball of yarn is to the little kitten. We can grab it, roll it, and even tear it up and shove it all over the place. Yes because having peace, in case you still haven’t understood it, is paid for.
7. Mobiles or music books
For very small babies, the musical mobile above the activity mat remains a safe bet. It spins, it keeps the brat awake, it does things for him to try to catch. Afterwards, you can move on to the next step: the musical book, when the child manages to press the buttons on his own to trigger the music. We’ll be honest with you: it occupies less than the PQ but would still be a question of cultivating these little brats a little. In addition there is really something for everyone, from “My first Mozart tunes” to “My first hip-hop tunes”. But if you prefer to wrestle with the gypsy spider and the turtle family, we won’t judge you. Everyone has their delusions.
8. The story box (or podcasts)
Yeah, you read that right, someone other than you can actually get stuck with the 14 stories to read over and over. Depending on the model, you can even record the voices of grandpa and grandma or the neighbor of your great-great uncle if you like. On the other hand, it will cost you slightly more than rice and PQ. Count on average 50 to 60 euros for the story box. Do you remember the time when we said that peace is paid for?
On this subject, we have listed for you the best podcasts for children to listen to.
9. Having twins
Well, young twins are still a load of shit, those who know know. BUT let’s say they have the defects of their qualities. By a permanent emulation effect, they train each other in their adventures (a nice euphemism to qualify their bullshit, you will have understood it). Often at your expense but sometimes, and as they grow up, they both manage to keep busy. Until one of the two screams because the other has more or less called it a turd (well ok, he rather used the qualifier “caca sausage” but we try to cultivate them a minimum, remember -you). When you play the negotiators in this kind of extreme situation, Forest Whitaker in Phone Game is the Dalai Lama next to you.
10. Do everything like you
Vacuuming, emptying the dishwasher, dusting the furniture, in short, having the ultimate mission of constantly dragging your feet and slowing you down in all your tasks (already at the start it was still not crazy like relaxation program). Well yeah, we’re not mythos, did you really think that there were really ten tips for your children to take care of themselves without you? We’re already nice to have found 9 of them for you, but we’ll have to see that we don’t push the envelope too far.
Well and then in principle if you have really applied all our advice it is that you are already a great parent and that (shh, don’t repeat it too loudly, we didn’t tell you anything) A LITTLE screen with a LOT of moderation and in a VERY framed way, I promise, it won’t traumatize your child. But you haven’t read anything. And we will deny it altogether.
