Yeah hello yeah, you think I didn’t understand your little game of going on vacation in the sun to walk through the streets of cities full of tourists and eat ice cream while looking up? As soon as I give you five minutes you only do bullshit and love stories with sunsets, suddenly I will still have to explain the things of life to you and how not to fall into the traps of the holidays. And today we’re going to tackle a big piece because I’m going to give you the reasons never to eat seafood, this crap that comes to us from the seabed, just like clam men.
1. Because it’s toxic to us
Did you know that the flesh of several seafood is toxic? If you’re really unlucky you can get paralytic poisoning which can end in cardiac arrest from the toxin saxitonin. You can also get amnesia poisoning from domoic acid which can actually cause you to lose your memory or die. Your dish is great.
2. Because there are microplastics in it
Do you know what seafood eats? A lot of microplastics, because they’re stupid and we give them tons of them to grate. There are even more miscroplastics in seafood than in fish, which already contain quite a lot of them, which is to tell you if this is a moldy menu idea.
3. Because it’s super expensive, for a platter of six oysters you have to mortgage your house
It’s still a strong argument, seafood is horribly expensive, for three whelks and two oysters you get a one-week villa type rental with swimming pool. Between that and having the shit out of my mouth for three days, the choice is quickly made on my side.
4. Because it looks the worst in the world, regardless of seafood.
Honestly, you the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a trout or a scallop is “oh my how appetizing does it look, say so I’m going to eat kilos of it”? Seafood either looks like big mollards or disgusting pieces of cartilage.
5. Because it really stinks, no one ever said “your place smells like seafood”
How not to tackle the problem of the smell of seafood: you cook some once at home and their mephitic smell becomes encrusted in your cushions, your curtains, your pets, your furniture, your socks and stays for the life. To cook it once is to expose yourself to a lifetime of people who walk away as soon as you arrive somewhere, whispering “it stinks of old mussels here”.
6. Because there are too many stories of food poisoning and poisoning
A not fresh mussel, an oyster that was already dead, a green shrimp and we don’t care… How many people have suffered from food poisoning, bad digestion, vomiting and visits to the emergency room for having eaten an old thing that has Does the old person’s worn diaper taste salty and stink? Too much.
7. Because if we didn’t have fries, we’d have to eat around 2,000 mussels to be satisfied.
Fried mussels is the biggest scam in the restaurant business: they give you not fresh fries and a pan of mussels with a bottom of water and seaweed and you have to open them yourself to realize that a third is empty and the rest weighs barely five grams when peeled. Great for breaking the slab an hour later while slamming twenty balls.
8. You can cut or amputate yourself with 90% of seafood shells: it’s a sign
Do you know that most ER entries on Christmas Eve are people who hurt themselves opening oysters? It’s still quite twisted to go and eat a sticky animal that has gone through several million years to develop a super well-made shell so that we leave it cushy. If you cut or amputate your finger, it’s clearly karma.
9. Because in seafood there is “demer”, it’s no coincidence
We are going to translate for the three people who do not speak Verlan, but “demer” means shit, a name evocative of the product which nevertheless gave a clue to the infamous nature of the product.
10. Because it’s actually not fruit at all
There’s literally three words in the name and one of them is a lie, if that’s not a good reason to never eat this horror I don’t know what you need. We can really sell you all the shit going on and lie to you about the name you take out the tickets no questions asked.